I have not posted in a bit, as there is are a lot of things going on in my family life. But, isn't that always the way? You go to Church on a regular basis and start feeling comfortable, then one thing comes up and you say "It's okay if I miss this week, I'll make sure I go next week." But, then you find yourself in the same dilemma again and again and again. My big issue this time around is that my husband, who typically works on Sunday's, has had the day off the past couple of weeks. He, is not a fan of The Church, and can feel that I am neglecting him if I choose to attend Church (without my daughter who he does not want at church unless I am the only one home and she has to come) on a day he has off. If my daughter was a bit older and could handle going to a later Mass, I would at least be able to take her to a later Mass. But at this time, the later Masses happen to be during her nap time.
At these times, I find myself at a cross roads, I have made a commitment to my husband and in front of God, to honor and obey him. But, when is it right not to, and how should I handle a situation like this?
I know deep down, that going to Church is very important to me, and for my daughter as this is the only exposure to God that she will have outside of what I talk with her about.
I work hard at praying to, and communicating with, God on a daily basis as I feel this is the most important part of my day. Is this enough? Does God understand the changes to our routine that take us away from Church on some Sundays? Do we deserve his forgiveness if he does? I have believed in God all of my life, even during the times that I was not going to Church and had a lot of major issues going on in my life. However, I feel like I am new to God at this point in my life, but I feel that is because I am taking my faith, and my love in God more seriously that I ever had before.
I am reading and trying to understand God through the Bible, through the Mass and Homily during Church, through serious spiritual reading, faithful prayer and by communicating with The Lord on a daily basis.
All of this brings me to seriously consider, and at times humbly doubt, my worthiness to be one of Gods chosen ones. Am I good enough? How can I be better? Why do I find myself feeling like I am slipping back? How can I move on with so much sin corroding my soul. Sure, my sins are never "that bad", but a sin is still a sin. Just because I did not lie, does not make the thought of lying any less of a sin in itself. Just because I finished the project at work that I was suppose to, does not make the sounds of exasperation (and bad thoughts towards my job) any less of a fact.
Even with these doubts coursing through me on an ever ending basis, I still find myself with enough faith, and love in God to "power through" these rough patches. At the end of the day, I still reach for my Bible and read the next passage (sometimes reading one each from the Old and New Testament) and thanking The Lord for everything that he has given me (both the good and the bad). As I say each night before I go to bed, and each morning when I awake;
"Thank you Lord for everything you have given to me. Thank you for my husband, my daughter, my family, and my friends. Thank you for each and every day."
No matter how I feel on any given day, I know that it would mean nothing if it wasn't for God. It is to God that I owe my life and my soul and it is to Him that I work towards becoming the best version of myself each and every moment of each and every day.
If there is anyone else out there who is reading this, or any of my future posts, and is either struggling with their faith and needs someone to share their fears and doubts with, or anyone who just wants to share words of encouragement and faith so that everyone can hear, please don't hesitate to leave a note on this blog. This is not just for me, but for anyone who needs to know that they are truly not alone out there and someone else may be going through the same things that they are now, or have gone through the same things in the past.
Thank you all of listening and Gold Bless!
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