I have been diligently following my commitment to abstain from coffee through out Lent. Everyone who knows this is shocked, as I am an avid coffee drinker (about 4 cups a day give or take, it was less 3 years ago but then I quit smoking and started drinking more, I would rather have coffee than smoking as my vice at this point in my 31 year old life). I have taken the time to go to Ash Wednesday for the first time ever, I believe.
I have also been diligent for some of my other vows during my first real Lenten experience, and my Kindle (I have one of the original versions, that look just like books, I love it!) and have taken the time to download some old sermons through the Kindle Bookstore, for free (most books/works that area out of copyright are free, or if they are an entire collection - like the best works of Charles Dickens, are only about $0.99 or $2.99 at most) and have found a collection of Lent Sermons that cover the course of time from the third Sunday before Lent, through to East Sunday (and more!). I have always wanted to read older sermons ever since I started reading some of the older classics, which refer to individuals reading sermons out loud to the family, or just to themselves as a pastime, and it always seemed quite interesting. I have also promised to read a book that was recommended by the Church I have most recently been attending (I plan on moving so I have not been as involved in the Church as I plan on being once me and my husband find our first home and settle in!), "Rediscovering Catholicism". This book, I found out, was given away at Christmas before I started going back to Church. I have since decided to purchase this on my own and could not be happier, this truly has opened my eyes as to what has been going on, not going on, and just plain missing from the Church as of late.
With all of this, and feeling like I am finally getting somewhere, I find myself slipping back into bad habits from time to time. Over this past weekend, I had to meet my sister and her friends for her bachelorette party, and forgot what a bad influence they can be on me. However, after thinking that they were the bad influence in the past (I'm talking back in high school and a little bit when I was 21), they never made me do anything, it was I that decided to follow them. We all met up and had dinner, which was nice, but then it was time to go to the hotel room to get ready before heading out to a night club (not my scene, never really was). Of course, being that I wear very little/light make-up, they wanted to dress me-up and getting into older habits (that I always seem to get into when we all get together), I let them have their way with my hair and make-up. I was a bit more diligent with the number of drinks I had at the club and considering they were all mixed drinks ( I tend not to be able to handle more than 2 or 3 before I get out of hand myself, which is why I only drink wine or beer and only on occasion and typically only 1 drink), and had water in between the 2 drinks and 2 shots and a Redbull ( I was a mom out past 11PM, this was serious Redbull time) I had, I was in fairly good shape when we got back home, however I found myself face to face with an old nemesis, Pot, and being a little intoxicated (and honestly deciding before we went to the club and my sisters friend mentioned she had some) I decided, against my better judgement, that it was okay to indulge. As far as I know, I feel asleep around 4AM as the bar closed at 2AM, no one got sick and everyone was pretty much well-behaved. But still, when I woke in the morning at 10AM and realized I was going to miss my 10:30 Mass in the morning (one of my sisters friends was our ride and I couldn't leave until she was ready to bring everyone back to my moms house), and too tired/my daughter was napping to make the 5PM Mass later that day, just how guilty the night really made me feel. Typically, this is the time when I would just throw in the hat and say, "I quit" since of course, there was just no coming back from this. But, I am strong enough in my faith today, that I prayed for God's forgiveness at my mistakes of the night and the next day, and that I would have to truly think more clearly on my choices from here on out. The mistakes I made that night were no ones fault but my own. I can call my sisters friends "bad influences" all I want, but they can only do so much to influence me, the decision in the end, was all my own, and the decision to move on from this, is all my own as well. I will have to take this for what it was, one big mistake that I never plan on repeating again. Sure, smoking the pot made me feel good, but the guilt and knowledge (even as I was doing it) that it was wrong, was so much stronger. I obviously have a ways to go to strengthen my Faith, and my courage to stay my course, and I plan on going the distance! I feel that I will earn God's forgiveness, however it will take some time to forgive myself, but I will work on this as well.
No comments:
Post a Comment